


the Miraculous adventures of miracle bug And cat man

by aedonprose



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M, beware swears, its only t for the swears, lmao this is Not a serious fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 17:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7692967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aedonprose/pseuds/aedonprose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miraculous ladybug(™) the super heroine sighed and sniffled deeply as she looked out over the city one day..........<br/>her life seemed perfect. Too perfect. little did her Hundreds of Fans know that she was brim full of </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <em>unrequited love</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. a secret Tragedy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shockingstory](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shockingstory/gifts).



> french dub rulez haterz drool how many more zs can i stick in this thing
> 
> who knoze
> 
> also im so fucking bad at puns i apologise in advance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what

Miraculous ladybug(™) the super heroine sighed and sniffled deeply as she looked out over the city. She had had an Excellent victory today over the evil villain Le Fromagereurer, an angry cheese connoisseur with a stutter who had tried to turn all of paris into cheese…….. piece. by. piece. And yet despite her fulfilling life, her rad powers and her Totally Hot bodysuit that made her butt look great………

  
  


The renowned miraculous ladybug was deeply, deeply sad to her very heart.

‘Ah, tikki, je suis triste,’ she whispered, because she was french, before remembering that of Course tikki was totally hiding up inside her earrings right now. What a fool she was being! if only tikki was here to hear her sigh her sadness…….

If only somebody understood

her life seemed perfect. Too perfect. little did her Hundreds of Fans know that she was brim full of

  
  


_ unrequited love _

  
  


The subject of her  _ unrequited love  _ was none other than this totally hot boy in ladybug’s class at school. thats right ladies and gentlemen the heroine of paris was still totally in school. get rekt ladybug haters you’re bein beat up by a fifteen-year-old girl. But anyway this totally hot boy was like, so  _ nice _ , and he was totally a  _ model _ and he spoke, like, SIX languages, and he did  _ fencing  _ and he was so  _ nice _ and

Ladybug sniffled.

‘What are you yowling about, my Lady?’ said a voice behind her. Ladybug nearly jumped off the rooftop she was sitting on. but of course, it was none other than her Good Friend, Just-Friend, and Completely Platonic Partner……..

 

**C H A T   N O I R .**

 

‘oh shit, it’s you!’ ladybug phewed. ‘You frightened me, chat noir.’ 

‘You really do look a bit  _ purrrrrr _ thetic sitting by yourself,’ the hot man-god said grandly. Ladybug was so annoyed! She stared at his perfect hair and beautiful green eyes and wished that he would leave her alone and take his tight leather suit and his perfect butt with him.

‘What are YOU doing here, chat noir?!’ ladybug said. Hastily she wiped away the tears from her eyes. nobody must know she had feelings.

‘come on,’ said chat noir, smirking. (ladybug smirked back but just a little bit. wouldn’t want him to get the wrong idea.) ‘you can tell me, ladybug. are you by any chance crying about how you’re secretly in love with me because tbh that’d be really great not that i’m in love with you or anything ha ha ha…’ 

 

Ladybug stared at her friend. Chat Noir turned his head quickly to look at the sunset and fake act all nonchalant. 

Well… Chat Noir  _ was  _ her friend. Maybe she could tell him. Not the specifics that would be too dangerous- BUT. 

  
  


NEVERTHE LESS. 

  
  


ladybug  _ would _ like to talk about it.

 

‘It’s a little silly,’ she admitted, looking at her lady-spotted toes as they dangled 300 feet in the air. Did i mention the ‘rooftop’ was the top of the arc de triomphe ‘cos it WAs. ladybug and chat noir were just fuckin chillin on the roof of the arc de triomphe pretending like the traffic wasn’t staring at them as they had their little deep and meaningful. That’s just the kind of shit superheroes do ok. 

But anyway ‘no, no, i’m pawsitive it’s not!’ said chat noir earnestly. He grabbed one of her hands to be extra platonical and supportive and friendly and not romantic at all. ‘Im sure its very impurrtant to you, my lady, and if it is impurrtant to you it is impurrtant to me.’ 

Ladybug facepalmed. (with the hand noir was holding before so she just kind of. Hit herself with chat noir’s hand but like im sure the gesture was appreciated) ‘chat noir’ 

‘...Yes?’

‘Pls stop with the fucken puns for like two seconds i’m baring my soul here goddamn’

Chat Noir’s ears drooped. ‘That’s fair. So what is this terrible secret that upsets the protector of Paris?’

Ladybug took a deep breath. ‘There is this… boy, chat noir. His hair looks kind of stupid but i know i could work past that if he styled it differently, and he has lovely eyes, and he is kind and funny….’ she sniffled - she had not thought talking would make her so emotional - ‘and i don’t think he will Ever like me like i do him. It is a little crushing. I am feeling it tonight, i guess.’ she wiped her eyes on chat noir’s tail. Chat noir looked vaguely affronted. 

‘Sorry,’ she said thickly. 

‘No, no, it’s… it’s okay,’ chat noir said absently. ‘I understand.’ 

Truly, he did, for chat noir was in love with none other than the beautiful lady Bug herself. How could he not be when she had such a perfect butt?

‘What is his name, ladybug?’ chat noir asked. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking, only that he wanted to know. ‘Purrhaps i can… try to convince him how great you are?’ 

Ladybug considered. was there any harm in telling him? adrien was famous and shit. He was a real life  _ model _ had she mentioned that yet? Any girl from all over the city could be in love with him, so there was no real risk to telling him! Right? 

Besides, ladybug was enjoying all the soul-baring she was doing. It felt cleansing. 

‘His name is….’ ladybug took Another deep breath. How well-ventilated she was tonight. 

‘His name is adrien agreste.’

Chat noir fell off the roof. 


	2. chat noir's coping mechanisms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> poor chat noir fell off a roof and also ladybug is in love with him so like today is really Quite a Surprising Day  
> you know in the scale of things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant believe this travesty was my very first ml fic  
> i cant believe im writing more

‘Oh shit,’ said ladybug.

‘Oh shit,’ groaned chat noir. His entire backside was really sore. 

(without knowing it, for a second the two heroes thought in perfect synchronicity. the only thought in either head:  _ what if chat noir’s perfect rear had been ruined by the fall? _ ) 

‘i may as well just retire from hero work if my butt is ruined,’ muttered chat noir. 

‘I may just as well leave hero work if Chat Noir’s butt is ruined, tikki!’ whispered ladybug before once again remembering that tikki wasn’t fuckin here. We’ll cut her some slack cos she’s a bit distracted but Jeez.

‘Are you okay, chat noir?’ she yelled down at him. 

‘I….. I think so, my Lady’. Chat noir winced. He got up as slowly and carefully as possible, making sure to put no strain on his butt. 

‘Oh, thank god!’ ladybug called from the roof. ‘your butt is okay!’

‘praise the gods,’ said chat noir because he didnt want to say the same thing as ladybug a third time that’d just be like a little weird. Speaking of weird did ladybug just comment on his butt wow maybe she really did love him back! Maybe there was hope! 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


wait 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

_wait_

 

 

chat noir could feel the beginnings of some sort of frightened overwhelmed scream coming from deep within him. like a small frightened bird. No wait he was a Cat fuck birds. He could feel… some sort of… frightened, overwhelmed… caterwaul. Right. 

He was about to scream uncontrollably. 

He had to leave before he gave ladybug the impression he was some kind of….. Dork! She couldnt think that! she had to think he was cool chat noir was ALWAYs cool

‘Uhh…… oh no!’ he yelled at ladybug. ‘My miraculous! Its beeping!’ he did his best robot voice and kind of went ‘beep beep beep’. he tried not to move his lips.

‘But chat noir,’ called Lady Bug, confused, ‘you didnt use your Cataclysm today???’

Oh shit. Time to abscond. 

‘Oops no time to talk can’t hear you over this adrien - i mean, this miraculous beeping! Beep beep goodbye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ chat noir grabbed his extendable stick (i mean thats literally what it is come on ladybug gets a fuckin. Whip yoyo grappling hook puncher combo and chat noir gets a stick to hit men with. How good. But he grabbed it and) and pole-vaulted himself away as fast as possible, still frantically fake-beeping. 

  
  


When he was about seven blocks away from ladybug, he deemed it safe to start screaming. 

chat noir opened his mouth. 

Nothing came out. Hm. wow what did he even run away from ladybug so fast for oh WOW ladybug liked ADRIEN AGRESTE 

‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA’ went chat noir. Except the sound didn’t stop for the dialogue tag. Oh no. he just kept Right on Full Fucking screaming. small children being pushed in their prams looked up at the sky in wonder as the mysterious screaming got louder and louder, to see none other than their city’s hero, Chat Noir, just fuckin’ vaulting through the sky and yelling ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA’ as he went. What a sight, they all thought. Some parents even teared up as his cries faded into the sunset.

chat noir was so utterly distraught that when he reached the home of his secret identity, he crashed into the window-pane. at least it finally stopped him screaming.

‘Damn it,’ he muttered, although his voice was kind of a wreck by now. All hoarse and raggedy. you know, from screaming. 

Chat Noir carefully redirected himself so hed actually go through the open window and landed on his floor and detransformed. 

for a good five minutes he just kind of sat there and muttered under his breath. The muttering, because he was french, was something like ‘putain de bordel de merde de putain de bordel de merde de putain de bordel de merde de putain de bordel de merde de putain de….’ 

(don’t google translate that bro its utterly foul just like he was really shocked okay)

 

And ALTHOUGH chat noir’s language was utterly,  _ utterly _ foul indeed…..

he had a good reason to be shocked!!

 

For not ONLY was the love of his life desperately hopelessly crushin’ on some dude with stupid hair, but she was in love with  _ adrien agreste _ . 

(wait, thought chat noir - stupid hair?) 

you see, dear readers….. Chat Noir, in his secret identity………………………………………..

 

_ was in fact……………… _

  
  
  
  


**a d r i e n        a g r e s t e                         .**

  
  
  


the now detransformed adrien agreste sat on his bedroom floor, the golden light of the setting sun reflecting dramatically off his head and back as he dissolved into a mental puddle and swore softly under his breath some more. 

‘Language,’ called his secret source of all magic and secret vacuum of all cheese, Plagg, from the ceiling where he was just chillin’ out watching poor adrien agreste’s mental breakdown. ‘Do you have any camembert, child?’

adrien agreste looked up, his face transfigured by joy and shock. ‘Plagg….’ he whispered reverently and also because he couldn’t talk properly from all the screaming he did, ‘my lady… loves me!’ 

plagg rolled his eyes. and then because he’s a tiny floating cat and he could, he rolled his whole damn body. For emphasis. 

‘What are you going to do with the information, hmm? it’s not like you can just tell her that you love her too pff lmao that’d be ridiculous.’

‘no... ‘ whispered adrien. ‘No, you’re right, Plagg. I need a Cunning Plan! i should probably think of something really complicated to do’ 

‘why are you whispering?’ said the kwami suspiciously. ‘you didn’t blow out your larynx with all that screaming did you’

‘Lmao haha lol no’ responded adrien quickly. He had the quick wit of a bat. ‘ok i have to go to bed now bye!’

although the sun had not yet finished setting, Adrien climbed into bed. he had only one thought in his mind, except for all the other thoughts in his mind, as he drifted off to dream about smooching Ladybug (like always) - 

  
  
  
_ stupid hair? _


	3. acting casual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its hard 2 go to school and pretend that you are fine and not dying of love  
> its hard + nobody understands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god what the fuck

Dear readers, it has been quite a day for our brave bug child and our beautiful black kitty-cat dude. they have had a long and weary time: emotional shocks, cheese-based villainery, _nearly ruining chat noir’s butt_ ….

they probably deserve like a rest. right? right? I personally would want a rest and also not want to be in the centre of this romeo/juliet, angst - freeform, Mistaken Identity, _bullshit_ at All. can i just have the yoyo and leave thx

Actually i’d take the perfect butt too

 

But _A N Y W A Y_

Lady bug and chatnoir, otherwise known as **a d r i e n     a g r e s t e** **_,_ ** have had a very long and tiring day. Adrien is sore all over and like probably shellshocked. Ladybug is sore, not in her body……

 

but in her _heart_.

they need a break.

Some sunny beach holiday, perhaps. Maybe their whole friend group could go on an excursion. Play beach volleyball. Gape over all the perfect chests and beautiful stomachs _suddenly revealed_ by the Most Anime of bathing suits. maybe adrien could even heroically save some cute chick with black hair and blue eyes and a very kawaii blush from DROWNING! Holy shit that’d be romantic right? I might just Die (and so might marinette lmao idk if adrien can swim)

 

BUT

too fucking bad.

 

Ladybug and Chat Noir woke up the next morning and they had to go to school.

#rekt

 

‘oh noOOo!’ marinette (for so the miraculous lady bug was named when she wasn’t miraculously bugging ladies) screamed, immediately upon waking. bolt upright in bed, her face assumed an expression of complete horror. her mouth hung open so wide that the small and round Tikki could have fit herself, or, say, an apple, entirely inside.

tikki didn’t do that though. she just sat on the end of the bed and looked real unimpressed. You see, marinette did things like this at Least once a week. she was a creature of moods. and most of the moods were panic.

‘What is the matter, Marinette?’ quoth tikki helpfully.

‘Putain de _Bordel de_ ** _MERDE_** **,** tikki!’ marinette screeched. Tikki didn’t say ‘Language!’ because unlike plagg she was no pussy. (this is the best pun i have ever made) ‘i told Chat Noir that i l…. That **_I_** l…. Luh…’

‘That you luh-luh-totally had the hots for Adrien?’ Tikki suggested.

marinette sat even Bolter Uprighter in bed and began to emit a low hum of panic. why had she Done such a thing? and to Chat Noir?? what if he laughed at her with his stupid perfect teeth? What if he was weirded out that she had a crush on a fifteen-year-old model? ofcourseitwasn’tweirdrighttheywereFRiends but oh GOLLY what if chat noir realised that…….

That….

She _knew_ adrien agreste ?? in REal Life????

what if chat noir and his perfect butt and his lovely green eyes worked out that marinette was… just some dumb teen? Not even a COOL one!

 

Oh god or even worse what if he thought she were chloe

 

‘Fuck!’ marinette hollered. ‘I have to do something, tikki!’. her mind was racing. In circles, but, like, at least it was going really fast.

‘well’ pointed tikki (at the clock), ‘I think you should probably start by not missing your first hour of class!’ but alas. it was already too fucking late.

‘NO!’ marinette said. ‘I don’t CARE about school. I care about RUINING my LIFE, tikki!’

‘you have a math test today,’ she pointed (this time at marinette)

Marinette Hurled herself out of bed and fled via the roof.

‘anyway,’ said tikki, floating calmly beside marinette as she olympic-sprinted her way across the road, ‘i think you should try talking to chat noir! he’s your friend, after all.’

‘Fhath iph com’lephely fhtuphid,’ said marinette as best she could around the bread in her mouth. She skidded around a corner and Raced into her classroom(, squeaking ‘desolee’ cos she was french and that what they do there).

marinette sat down. UNDER her desk so nobody could hear her talking to tikki. ‘Anyway,’ she whispered, ‘i think i should try and invent something really complicated to trick chat noir into thinking i’m NOT in love with him! Wait, i mean… i’m not ladybug?? Not in love with… ladybug?’

Marinette’s best friend Alya, an intrepid journalist with no fear whatsoever. Ever. and also with no concept of personal boundaries, either, immediately sensed an opportunity for sleuthing! But only the last quarter of an opportunity. She conveniently didn’t hear the first two sentences.

Alya immediately slid under the desk to join marinette. It was getting _way_ too crowded and _way_ too anime. ‘Who’s not in love with ladybug?’

‘Me!’ said adrien agreste, appearing from nowhere to join them. marinette squeaked. ‘what’ said alya.

‘Haha yeah just wanted to casually mention that i’m not in love with ladybug just so you all know - wait - fuck!’ adrien suddenly remembered that his life had changed drastically. far from moping in secret all the time, now he was on a Mission! He had to get ladybug to love him BACK!

‘Fuck!’ he said again (for emphasis). ‘I mean, uh, i AM -’

alya readied her reporting pen to take notes.

‘Alya! Marinette! adrien agreste!’ madame bustier pushed herself under the desk as well to join the three students. ‘What. the **fresh hell**. are you all doing under here????’

‘Uh’ said adrien

‘I can’t breathe,’ said Marinette.

‘Marinette started it!!!!!!’ said chloe from the other side of the classroom. ‘Madame bustier expel her!!! Now!!!!!! QUICK!!!!!!! Before its too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘good GOD, chloe, shut UP!’ alya screamed. ‘You aren’t even in this cool club under the desk!’

‘I can’t FUCKING breathe’ said marinette again. ‘Please all leave why are you even here this was a private soliloquy’

Madame bustier pulled herself out. ‘All three of you please go to the principal’s office. I dont know what you were doing under there -’

‘- nothing!!!!!!’ said adrien.

‘ - an interview! - ‘ said Alya.

‘- what is happening to the world’ said marinette.

‘- but it was Certainly not school policy. Off you go now please’

The three trooped dejectedly out of class. Even though they were getting out of class on the day of a math test like why would they be dejected

‘!!!!!!! adrien is leaving class?’ squealed chloe. ‘Can i go too?’

‘chloe for god’s sake,’ said mme bustier, ‘why don’ t you just sit under your desk. And stay there. and not talk.’


	4. Sudden Developments!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh shit what's going to happen to them in the principal's office

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u may remember that alya, adrien and marinette got sent to the office for having a secret gossip party under the desk by accident. thats whats up atm

CHAPITRE LE 5ME

The angered Teens walked down the hallway to the principal’s office…

inside her head, marinate was Seething . her skull had become a cauldron full of emotions, and all the emotions were Boiling, and all the boiling emotions were anger and _humiliation_. she took deep breaths. a lot of deep breaths . it didn’t help the steam coming out of her ears, but it did give her an illusion of control over her poor skullcauldron. and we all need the illusion of control sometimes. she hugged herself a little, for comfort.

inside _his_ head, Adrien was the mental equivalent of, like, lying in a rich green field asleep under some clouds. there were daisies and shit. some sheep were there probably, tranquilly jumping. you see, our intrepid readers may remember that just the previous evening (several months ago lol), Adrien had discovered that the Hottest Teen Hero in All of Gay Paree was secretly pining away inside her skull-cauldron for none other than him…… the _other_ Hottest Teen Hero in All of Gay Paree. adrien was in **love**. he had no tiem to think about going to the “principal’s office”. he was pretty sure it wasn’t even a real place. it was like the high-school equivalent of when moms tell their kids the boogeyman’s gonna get them if they don’t eat their greens. (what’s the French equivalent of the boogeyman?? ‘le boughiman’ ? ?? who knows. BUT ANYWAY)

‘I’m pretty sure this “””principal’s office””’’” thing doesn’t even exist,’ he said smugly to Alya, who was as always resplendently secure in her position as The Only Sane One in this Whole Damn City. alya was in her own head, like a normal person, and so she responded immediately .

‘adrien what the Fuck,’ she immediately responded. ‘just because you were homeschooled by your immensely rich parent doesn’t mean you get to pretend you’ve never seen a Single movie about school.’

‘hm?’ said adrien, who was picking daisies inside his head by a gently twinkiling river, and then pulling the petals off and going ‘ladybug loves me, ladybug loves me not, ladybug loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me,’ you get the picture. the brook twinkled. the sheep baaed, adoringly, not unlike something from a poem. adrien smiled blissfully. alya rolled her eyes so hard @ the top of her skull that she saw the curvature of the earth.

‘the principal’s REAL, asshole,’ she said. ‘he’s going to be PISSEd as SHIT so you can wipe that grin off your stupid dang face.’

‘hm?’ said adrien. ‘hey alya, you don’t gotta look so worried. I’m pretty sure this principal’s office thing doesn’t even exist.’

-

inside the office,…..,,,,,, things were Not Good.

‘What do you mean, _funding cuts?_ ’ bellowed M. Damocles, mopping his brow hastily with a handkerchief. he was under a lot of stress, and so he was mopping with considerable vigor. as he mopped, flecks of perspiration flew off and hit the Distinguished Gentleman sitting opposite.  

‘I’m terribly sorry,’ said the Gentleman, ‘but I’m afraid the Board has been… _utterly_ cruel. I mean certain. the school’s funding must be cut by fifty per cent in order to maintain profit. I mean efficiency. there’s absolutely no way for more money to come to you: it’s mine now. I mean the board’s. I mean it’s going towards education.’

‘How will I keep the school open?’ said the principal frantically. ‘We have to pay the fencing tutor, pay the teachers, clean the floor of the school gym, employ somebody to get all the leaves off the front stairs,….,,,,,………’ He wiped his brow another time. so much sweat was displaced by this that the distinguished gentleman found a sizeable puddle developing on his neatly pressed white shirt.

‘I can’t do this,’ confessed the principal, beginning to cry. the distinguished gentleman twitched. he feared yet more watery expulsions would stain his suit beyond repair.

‘yes, well,’ he said hurriedly. ‘deepest commiserations. I mean – good luck ! I must be going now goodbye thank you!!!’ And with that, he rushed out the door.

he stopped in the corridor outside, panting from all the rushing he had been doing. he laughed a Villainous laugh. ‘heee he hooo ho ha ha heeee hoo,’ it went.

you see, the Distinguished Gentleman was none other than…,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

ok well his name was baptiste laclair but that means Nothing so what’s important is that he was a Very Naughty Distinguished Gentleman. ‘oh, you’ve done it, baptiste!!!’ laughed the villainous and slightly damp man, to himself, in the second person. ‘now that you’ve told the board the school needs more funds, and the school that the board is taking the funds _away_ , you can just fuckin Steal the money from in the middle! I’m a genius! ha heeee ho hooo ha ha hee heeeee!’  

still laughing, he removed his sweat-stained shirt and then put the suit jacket back on over it so that he wasn’t just shirtless in a high school. he had to button it up real high, but nobody would question him, right???????????

‘Why is his shirt like that?’ a voice whispered from the left. the gentelman’s head Whipped around in shock!!. three children were skulking at the end of the corridor?? what the fuck were children doing in a school, the man wondered.

‘marinette, don’t be fucking rude,’ whispered alya. ‘maybe he likes it like that.’

‘well, he shouldn’t!’ marinette hissed back, not nearly quietly enough. ‘it’s a disgusting crime against fashion and I’m going to make him an entire new wardrobe. exCUSE ME, SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE –‘

But the man was Gone!

‘How mysterious!’ said Marinette in shock.

‘never mind,’ said adrien. ‘I guess we should get this “principal’s office” charade over with, huh?’ he made the air quotes with his fingers and everything. just watching him alya felt herself age ten years. marinette however was drooling a little. ‘so cool and edgy,….,,’ she whispered.

adrien Strode Confidently into the office and the other two followed him. but ! they stopped in shock when they saw !!!!! !!!!!!

  1. Damocle’s imposing oak desk was overturned. the curtains had been pulled off the window and STREWN, DRAMATICALLY, about the floor of the office. the window was SMASHED ! it was a windy day, conveniently, and so important papers were FLYING everywhere in the wind.
  2. squinting through the tornado of files, marinette could see a dark figure moving near the window. ‘monsieur Damocles??????????’ she called. ‘what the fuck is this??????????????’ but the figure said nothing.
  3. squinting through the flapping of the paper, alya could hear (she squinted her eyes and she could hear but they’re two separate facts) an evil laugh . ‘that sounds like….’ she said in disbelief.



with a deafening swoosh, all of the papers suddenly flew out of the office window in a great swarm. the familiar voice's laughter got louder,,, and more villainous,,,,,,,,, and then suddenly it had stopped and the figure was gone. there was nobody in the office but for the three teenagers.

‘what the fresh hell’ said alya.

‘I have to go see what that… I mean I have to pee!’ said marinette.

‘told you,’ said adrien smugly. ‘the principal’s office is bullshit.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday and graduation but not birthday lol its december  
> anyway i hope u like


	5. THREE (3) HOURS LATER????

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh nooo everythings gone to shittttttttttttt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was going to be like a paragraph at the beginning of the REAL chapter five  
> i got carried away  
> i beg forgiveness
> 
> (also: it's come to my attention i accidentally labeled chapter 4 CHAPITRE LE 5EME. this was a mistake. however in the interests of artistic integrity im leaving it the HEll intact for the vine)

THE FIFTHE CHaptER: (THREE HOURS LATER)

Paris was fallen. Entire buildings lay toppled on their sides like wet, shitty papier-mache,, like the buildings definitely had chores to do but just could Not be bothered to get up again. Birds seemed to fly more limply than usual, and there were far fewer of them.  Occasionally they would jink sideways mid-flight, as if dodging something, or maybe just as if bonkers in the head. but we’ll cut them some slack. they’ve been through a lot.

the great heroes of paris had fallen. the miraculous Buglady lay, stunned, under a hunk of rubble. her legs stuck out sadly and at different angles, just like the Wicked Witch of the East as depicted in 1939 MGM classic _The Wizard of Oz._ her intrepid and dashing partner had been seen, yowling, fleeing the scene on all fours a scant hour previously. he was totally gone. gone-zo, even. gonesicles. gonzago the gongonnegad.

 

alone in the sky,,,,

 

atop the tippiest top of the tour Eiffel,,,,,,,,,

 

stood an AkumaTised™ m. Damocles in frighteningly tight black spandex (so ~~frightening~~ tight that nobody dared look too closely at him), and the villainous (but unpossessed) Baptiste Laclair,

making out passionately.

It’s unclear how they got there at this time (204 words in is too soon for resolution of any kind. that’s the law sorry bro I do not make the rulez). Doubtless the city’s faithful news service could have cleared up the mystery, were not they, too, lost and disappeared from the now-silent Paris. The mayor could have demanded a satisfying explanation, but nobody had seen him in hours. Nobody had even seen any of the people who might have seen the mayor, or the people who might have seen _them_. There was nobody left to witness all the slash action. nobody at all, except for the weirdly frightened birds.

suddenly: ‘fuck,’ said the akumatised Damocles (but what is his dorky supervillain name? if only somebody could tell us??). You see, the two passionate smoochers had smooched so much that the tiny lump that is the teeny top of the eiffel tower was becoming slippery! ‘look at this slippery slipping coated in our saliva, tears and/or sweat,’ said the ex-monsieur Damocles. ‘I have suddenly been conveniently reminded that I used to have to care about workplace health and safety!! this is Unhealth and Unsafety.’

‘I don’t care,’ said LaClair wildly. ‘Your love has cured me of my desire to be clean from all bodily fluids, and also my desire for money. come on, mon cher monsieur!!! Let’s go find somewhere safer to smooch some more!!!’ He pulled the brainwashed headmaster closer – alas: this was their undoing.

With an almighty shriek, the two men overbalanced. caterwauling wildly and flailing their arms about, they slipped and bounced down to the bottom of the tower, shrieking like small children.

‘Jesus,’ moaned LaClair, rubbing what he did not yet know was a fractured tailbone. then he stopped rubbing it, very suddenly. he had discovered the sad and unpleasant truth that You Should Not Put Pressure On Fractured Bones. idiot. ‘how did my life come to this???????,’ he moaned.

‘I agree,’ grumbled the rumpled curmudgeon. (the principal). He was cranky because his spandex had torn in two places and now you could see his back tattoo of this sick dragon. he’d gotten it when he was young. when he was in a sickass band and he played drums and all Paris seemed to love him. How had he fallen so low? An aging, balding, middle school teacher-turned-supervillain, who hadn’t even gotten the damn heck fucking miraculous’es yet? Useless. Pathetic. ‘ah, how did I come to this,’ he moaned. a tear rolled down his cheek.

laclair saw the tear. he panicked. HE couldn’t just have the principal CRYING!!! (not for the same reasons as last chapter though!!! this is a thematic similarity, not a character trait !! for Christ sakes they were just all up in each other’s tongues and u think laclair didn’t want to get cried on?? FOOL. he was at peace with bodily fluids now. his love had cured him.) ‘You’re right, my love!’ he said hurriedly, before the grown-ass man in front of him could descend into full-on waterworks.  ‘I think we should go back to the beginning of this fight and see how it all began! then all will make sense!’

‘back to the beginning?’ sniffled his paramour. ‘we don’t have a fuckin g time machine what are you blathering about….. How can you suggest such a thing?’

LaClair smiled a wicked smile. ‘I am too crafty for this plot !! I don’t fit properly with it, you see - it’s a gift I’ve been given, on account of being an **inconsistently written minor character** **®**. Now come on.’

with a great whoosh, the skies clouded over and then unclouded again. it was three hours earlier.

 

 

 

** W H O O S H  **

 

 

 

The newly akumatized M. Damocles blinked and looked down at his hands, now covered completely in bigass black gloves. he laughed a maniacal laugh, and then zooped out the window.

‘what the fresh hell’ said alya.

LaClair _fled_ the school, running as fast as he could, but was stopped by a bigass SPLCRACKSHHTINKLE coming from …. he turned. a _broken window?_ in a _school?_ it was probably those goddamn fucking children he’d seen. LaClair tutted. He KNEW it wasn’t a good idea to put children in a school.

‘I have to go see what that… I mean I have to pee!’ said marinette.

Somewhere across Paris, a respectable member of the school board looked up from her crochet with a face of utter shock, made a squeal like a balloon losing air, and vanished altogether.

‘told you,’ said adrien smugly. ‘the principal’s office is bullshit.’ 

somewhere ELSE in the city, in a mysterious observatory(?) in an undisclosed and Highly Secret location, an equally smug Papillon was cackling to himself in his purple pyjamas.

‘Now,,,,’’’’’,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,’’ he whispered to himself and his butterflies, ‘it _begins._ ’

 


End file.
